It's a beautiful day out on the planet Zima 3, in the far reaches of the alpha quadrant. The sun is shining; there isn't a cloud in the sky. The weatherman has predicted the next eleven days to be exactly the same.
A lot of the inhabitants of Zima 3 are taking advantage of the weather. The beaches are full of half-naked men and women. Kids are playing in the baseball park. Old ladies are feeding the pidgins. Old men are playing chess. No one seemed to have a care in the world.
Even the police are out basking in the sun. They don't have much to do. With the weather like this, who could possibly think of committing a crime?
"I can't stand this fucking weather." A man with an Australian accent says to no one but himself. The man is a tall man with a dark goatee. He's wearing jeans and a black button-up shirt with a blue tie. He's got his sleeves rolled up and his tie loosened. He has mirrored sunglasses on and his head is shaved. His name is Trevor Watts.
Trevor looks around the area. He sees all the happy people and the cheerfulness. It makes him sick.
Trevor looks at the young people in love. They all seem to walk past him, silently mocking him with their slurps and kisses. It seems that each slurp sounds like it's actually saying something.
Loser.
Trevor shakes his head and decides that at least one of these people is going to be as miserable as him. He sticks his foot out as a young man comes walking by. The young man trips, but catches his balance before he hits the ground. He turns back to mister cynical.
"I'm sorry!" The young man says. "I should watch where I'm going."
The young man then bounds off, in what seems like an even better mood than he was in before he tripped. Trevor can just scream.
"WHY DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO BE SO HAPPY?"
A young lady walks up to Trevor.
"I'm not happy." She tells him.
"You're not?" Trevor giggles.
"No sir. My boyfriend was supposed to meet me here. He said he had great news for me. I think he was going to ask me to marry him,"
"But he stood you up?" Trevor asked, trying very hard to restrain his glee.
"It would appear so." She answered, on the verge of tears.
Trevor was about to do his happy dance, which is actually quite cute when a man comes running up to the girl.
"I'm so sorry baby! I thought you wanted to meet at the tea house! Not the T-intersection!" he says.
Trevor just rolls his eyes as he begins to walk away. He halts though when he heard the girl scream one of those happy screams. He turns.
"I will marry you!" She spouts. "And not just because you just won the lottery!"
Trevor clenches a fist and walks down the street.
"When, oh when will the Gods decide it's time for I to have a girlfriend?" Trevor ponders out loud as he walks.
"I'm a stud muffin! I should have fifteen girls! But no, I can't even get one! My mother even turned me down for prom!"
Trevor sighed as he walked past an arcade where a couple inside is too busy making out to pay attention to their game. Trevor continues down the street.
"And now here I am, stuck on THIS planet of all planets." He reminds himself. "Blasted Klingon repair shops!"
Trevor turns his head while continuing to walk and he sees a store that teaches martial arts. However, no one inside is fighting. Trevor can only sigh once again when he notices all inside are busy making out with each other.
Trevor continues his rambling. "I deserve happiness! I deserve to be at peace! I helped save this quadrant from the Dominion! I took a disrupter to the ass! Got the Starfleet Purple Heart! And for my discharge what do I get? A crap-ass, non-working P-O-S Runabout."
A beeping emanates from Trevor's pocket. He pulls out his communicator. It looks like an old-school Starfleet communicator. You know, the flip open, beam me up Scotty kind.
Trevor flips it open. "Computer, report."
The computer begins to talk to him. It's not the normal Starfleet computer voice though. This computer has the voice of someone very familiar. Someone with what could be described as having an English accent.
"Trevor, a Starfleet ship has entered the sector!"
Could something right actually be happening today? "Are they responding to the distress call?"
"Trevor, I told you the communications array was offline. I could not transmit the distress call."
Guess not. "Will it be fixed before they leave the sector?"
"It should be! I am trying 10 EPS re-routs per minute! I will eventually get it to work!" The computer replies.
"Very well. Can you identify the ship?"
"The best I can do…" The computer explains. "…is the class. It's a Sovereign Class."
"Thanks." Trevor closes his communicator.
He continues to walk down the street. He starts to feel hungry so he decides to go and get some food. He was able to replicate the local currency before he left his disabled runabout.
"Let's see, pasta or fish. What do I feel like today? I think that my lonely heart could use some Alfredo sauce!" Trevor begins to walk across the street when a police officer yells at him.
"Excuse me, sir!" The officer says, running up to Trevor.
"Yeah?"
"I am afraid that I am going to have to place you under arrest."
"WHAT?" Trevor screamed. "Why? What did I do? I have the green light!" Trevor franticly points to the traffic light, which at that exact moment turns red. Trevor scowls.
"No, sir, we have to arrest people who talk to themselves. It's a mental health guideline."
"I wasn't talking to myself," Trevor explains. "It was a soliloquy."
The policeman laughs. "No sir, I am a literature major and that was not a soliloquy. At best that was haiku."
"Well, that's what it was then. A haiku."
"Haiku's are illegal also sir."
Trevor just groans in submission as the policeman places him in handcuffs.
"You must hate having to work on a nice day like this, huh?" Trevor asks the officer.
"No sir. I love my job!" The happy policeman states.
Trevor groans again. "Well, do you guys at least have pasta at the jail?"
"Yes sir! All you can eat!"
Trevor grins as he is placed in the back of a police car.
"Unfortunately – " The cop finishes as he shuts the door and gets into the driver's seat. "You are not going to jail. You are going to the mental health building downtown. You can get SPAM sandwiches there!"
Trevor just cries as he bangs his head against the prisoner partition of the police car.
A COOL, SEMI PLAGIARIZED STAR TREK TYPE THEME SHOULD BE INSERTED HERE,
THIS TIME ONE WITH WORDS LIKE ON ENTERPRISE! THAT SONG KICKS ARSE!
IT'S BEEN A LONG ROAD GETTING FROM DENNY'S TO HERE…
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME BUT MY CHICKEN STRIPS ARE FINALLY NEAR…
I CAN TASTE THE CHANGE IN THE TEA RIGHT NOW
GOSNELL'S IN MY WAY
BUT HE'S NOT GOING TO KEEP ME DOWN NO MORE
NO I'M GONNA USE EQUAL
CAUSE I GOT LUNA TO MY RIGHT
GETTING THE EQUAL FOR ME
I'VE LUNA TO HELP ME
I CAN SWEETEN ANYTHING…
Space. Final frontier. Shampoo XO of starship Sisko. Starship mission: to go where no one go before, to kill Akane Tendo, and to have Ranma all to Shampoo - HEY THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES! - WO AI NI!!!