Admiral’s log. Stardate – uh... Tendo – what’s the date? I don’t know! Who are you talking to? You can’t make a log entry while in jail! Oh, so I can’t!
Genma leans back on the cold, Klingon brig bench. He looks at Soun. Soun is not doing as well as Genma is. Soun had gotten used to warm beds and friendly embassies as Ambassador. You weren’t supposed to take an ambassador hostage! You just weren’t! Soun made a point to file a complaint when he got rescued. If he got rescued.
“We are getting rescued right, Saotome?” Soun said, sitting right up and staring at Genma.
“Of course we are, Tendo! The boy wouldn’t let us down!” Genma lied down completely and started to nap.
Meanwhile, one cell down Serena is in the corner crying while Akane is making her best attempt to calm her down.
“Raye!” Akane called. Raye was on the other side of the cell, just sitting.
“Help me get her to stop crying!”
Raye just scoffed. “What makes you think that I can do anything to stop her?”
“You’re a counselor right?”
Raye growled. She hated it when people brought that up. “Okay – Serena please stop crying.” She didn’t.
“Um-“ Akane noted. “I tried that already.”
Raye just looked at Akane. “Who’s the trained professional here, huh?” Akane shrugged and sat down on the bench where Shampoo was. “Serena, it will be okay. The Captain will come and rescue us!” Raye finished with a smile.
Serena stops crying. “He will? Just like Darien?”
Raye’s smile disappears. “No – not like Darien. No one is like Darien, but Captain Saotome will come and rescue us.”
Serena nods and gets up, and walks with Raye over to the other side of the cell and they have a seat together. Akane gets back up and walks to the force field keeping them locked up. She touches it and an electrical charge shoots through her body.
“God damn!” Akane yells, falling backward. A man wearing jeans and a Grateful Dead T-shirt walks over to them. He is carrying a phase-rifle.
“Whatcha doing, girlie?” He snickers.
“I’m Commander Akane Tendo in the United Federation of Planets! Who are you? Release us at once!”
The man just laughs. He stops laughing when he sees Be’Yach walk in with Brian. He stands at attention. Brian just shoves him out of the way so that he can get a better look at his prisoners.
“Wonderful! The babe transporter worked! Four babes!” He takes a look at Akane. “Excuse me. Three babes and one super babe!”
“Ahem!” Be’Yach groans.
“Baby! You know you will always be the most-superest babe!” Brian grins, pulling her closer and giving her a kiss. “But I can look, can’t I?”
Be’Yach grins. “Sure baby.” She looks to Akane and scowls. “You are not that hot, miss thang.” She laughs and walks over to the other cell. Brian stays to talk to the girls.
“Who is the senior officer here?”
Shampoo gets up and walks forward. “Shampoo is.”
Brian looks at all the girls. “Which one is Shampoo?”
“I Shampoo stupid!”
Brian raises an eyebrow. “You’re pretty hot yourself! Regardless, you are all my prisoners. And it’s going to take a lot of gold-pressed Latium to get you four released.”
Brian motions for the guards. They come over, drop the force shield and grab Shampoo. She starts to resist until Brian pulls out his sidearm and points it at Serena.
“Come on. Fight us so I have an excuse to waste one of your friends.” Brian grins. “I don’t like having prisoners and if you want to give me a reason to get rid of one of them now, feel free.”
Even though it isn’t in Shampoo’s nature, she stops fighting and cooperates.
The guards drag Shampoo off. Brian walks over to where Be’Yach is taunting Soun and Genma.
“Hahaha! Baby, can you believe that these idiots told the guards to not arrest us because we had learned our lesson?” Be’Yach lets out a hardy laugh for that one.
“Yeah – why wouldn’t you be able to trust a pirate?” Brian asks before he falls to the floor laughing.
Genma, who is already pissed from being woken up from his nap, has had just about enough of that. He stands up and walks over toward the force shield.
“Now listen just a damned minute!” Genma yelled. “I am an admiral! You will treat me with some respect!”
Be’Yach and Brian look at each other. Be’Yach lowers the force field, and Brian steps in. He walks over to Genma, who is now cowering in the corner.
“You want respect, old man?” Genma just weakly nods. “Some R-E-S-P-E-C-T? Want me to tell you what it means to me? Here’s some respect for you!” Be’Yach hands Brian a big bucket of water with ice cubes in it. “Coldwater torture!” Brian splashes the water on Genma, and then screams when sitting in front of him is this huge panda.
“WHAT THE F-“ Brain screams, turning and running for the exit. Be’Yach, in a total state of shock, hurries to raise the force shield, but mistakenly does it before Brian is out of the cell.
That is all that is heard when Brian slams into the force field at full running force. Then a scream is heard. “LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!”
Be’Yach manages to drop the force field and let Brian out. She then raises the shield. Then the two go running from the holding cell area. All the while, GenmaPanda (GP) remains cowering in the corner. Soun on the other hand has moved from the other corner to the middle of the cell and begins to sob.
“Dad?” A voice is heard from the cell next door. Soun’s ears perked up.
“Dad! What are you doing in there?”
Soun runs over and comes as close to the force shield as he can without being zapped. “Daddy was kidnapped by the pirates! Saotome is over here too!”
“Dad we’re working on a way to escape. Just sit tight. We know for sure that Ranma is trying to rescue us as well!”
Soun goes back to the bench in the back of the cell. He sits down. He begins to sob into his hands. He feels a furry paw touch his shoulder. He looks up and sees GP standing there with his portable Go board. Soun smiles. “Game on!”
Brian was pissed. He didn’t get scared very often. Before this, the last thing that had scared him was the nude Bea Arthur pictures that he had accidentally plundered. Other than that, and the occasional alcohol prohibition that the Federation all too often tried to implement, nothing scared him.
Except for pandas.
Brian knew exactly where his fear of pandas came from. Unlike most phobias that are formed from a traumatic experience at a young age, Brian’s experience happened just last year.
FLASHBACK TIME! WHOO HOO! LOCATION: CHINA LAND RESORT. (A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF THE COMMUNIST PLANETS OF DISNEY/AOL/TIME WARNER.)
The captain and Be’Yach are enjoying their vacation. The resort was very clean and state-run. The fifteen heavily armed police officers monitoring the park gave the two a wonderful sense of security. The lack of an extradition treaty that Disney/AOL/Time Warner had with the Federation also helped. Yes, this was turning out to be the most perfect vacation. Who says communism is all bad?
Unfortunately, the increased sense of security and the feelings of bliss the two had dulled their senses for trouble. Neither of them could feel the pair of beady eyes peering at them through the bushes.
“More potato salad my love?” Brian asked the cooing Be’Yach.
“DID SOMEONE SAY COUP?” One of the guards screamed.
Brian and Be’Yach both casually pointed to an overweight, yet still incredibly sexy man sitting behind a computer. The man screamed as the guards rushed him.
“I’M JUST TRYING TO WRITE A GODDAMNED FANFIC!” The man screamed as he bolted towards the woods, with all the cops in hot pursuit. “I’M NOT VERY TALENTED AND YOU GUYS AREN’T HELPING! OW!”
Be’Yach smiled. “I’d love some, Hunny bunny!”
Brian fed his girlfriend a sporkful of the yummy store-bought potato salad. Suddenly out of the bushes a very large, and very angry-looking panda stomped out. “Panda want potato salad.” It growled.
Be’Yach just grinned. “Don’t worry. The guards will get him.”
Brian returned the smile, turned to call for the guards, and then realized that they had all taken off after the brilliant, yet misunderstood writer.
Brian stood. He knew that he was going to have to defend the very expensive potato salad. This wasn’t just KFC potato salad. This was the good stuff. The kind that they only keep in the back room of the local Jewel/Osco. Brian used most of his favors that the Jewel people owed him from when he was produce manager.
Be’Yach cleared her throat.
Oh yeah. He remembered. Gotta defend Be’Yach too.
Brian took up a fighting stance. The panda did too. Brian now more than ever hated the fact that weapons were banned at the resort. He really hated the body cavity search that he had to endure too.
The captain took a swing at the panda. The panda easily and effortlessly avoided the swing. It would seem that the panda was well versed in hand-to-paw combat. The fuzzy combatant took a swing back at Brian. Brian had a little bit harder time avoiding that swing than the panda did. Brian was practically useless in hand-to-hand combat. In fact, he lost his balance.
The panda moved in. He shoved Brian’s back, knocking him onto his hands and knees. The panda then began to do the most unthinkable thing that a panda can do.
Be’Yach can only stare bug-eyed, as her man is dry-humped by the panda. (Yes, Brian was still clothed. Don’t be hentai.)
The panda is really into it. You could tell he’s done this kind of thing before. He slaps Brian’s ass and lets out a growl.
“GROWL! Who’s your daddy bitch? Whose potato salad is it? Show me some respect, and show me what it means to me!”
Brian, who is bawling, attempts to reply. “You’re my daddy!! It’s your potato salad!! R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!”
The panda stops his violation, climbs off his victim, and picks up the potato salad. He turns to Be’Yach. “Be nice to my bitch. Make sure he calls.”
The panda kicks some dirt onto Be’Yach and walks back into the bushes with his bounty. Be’Yach crawls over to Brian, who is still crying and still in the position the panda left him in. Be’Yach pulls out her communicator.
“Be’Yach to the Jose Cuervo. Two to beam directly to sick-bay.”
The transporter beam grabs them just as the police officers return, dragging the obviously persecuted writer behind them.
“Look!” One of the officers bellowed. “They left some potato salad!”
A low grumbling growl is heard from the bushes.
As the flashback ends, Brian allows his head to slam onto his desk. He resumes his crying.
“Hun?” Be’Yach calls.
Brian slowly lifts his head back up. The depression from the flashback and the fact that the console was made out of metal put him in a state of sadness. “Yeah?”
“Lita has the prisoner ready for –“ Be’Yach cuts herself off, noticing Brian’s puffy eyes. “The panda?”
“You want we should abandon him somewhere?”
“Okay. I’ll see to it.”
Brian hugs Be’Yach. Brian wasn’t usually very emotional or affectionate aboard the ship where others could see him, but the thing with the panda on the planet, and now in the brig was starting to really get to him.
“As I was saying. Lita has the prisoner ready for interrogation.”
Brain sighed and nodded. Taking prisoners wasn’t really his thing. Wasn’t his gas. Wasn’t what he liked to do. He was more into it for the plundering. Brian never really wanted to hurt people. He just wanted to get rich. Sometimes the two go hand in hand, so Brian hired Lita to do the dirty work.
Brian chuckled to himself. He remembered how he had to delete Lita’s transporter access because she would end up always taking prisoners when he wasn’t looking.
Since he got that to stop she’s been pretty well behaved. When they did take prisoners he had to watch her. She had the nasty habit of, well, killing them. But, Brian knew that in her heart, she was a kind person.
He remembered back to when they first met. She had almost killed him because he had 13 items in the 12 item express lane. Brian knew that she would be very useful. Since then the two had become good friends.
“HEY CAPTAIN DUMBASS! YOU WANT I SHOULD START WITHOUT YOU?” Lita screamed, over the familiar sound of a charging phase rifle.
“No, No, sweetie.” He rolled his eyes toward Be’Yach who just giggled. “I’m a-coming.”
Brian trekked into the room that the Klingons used for interrogation. He loved his girlfriend dearly, but her people were a fucked up race.
The room was dark, with one bright light in the center. Under the light is the interrogation chair. The chair was made of metal, like everything else on the ship. The chair had the capability of becoming a table, for the really icky interrogations.
Strapped to the chair was Shampoo. She had been stripped down to her underwear. The girl was doing her damnedest to hold a straight face, but it was painfully obvious that she wanted to cry. She had bruises all over her body. She also had what appeared to be electrodes attached to her bare stomach and her neck. The area around them was black and blue. Apparently, Lita HAD started without Brian.
Nothing in Shampoo’s years with Starfleet had prepared her for this. Of course, there were capture survival classes. But the cushy simulations that the Federation used were nothing like the real thing. She couldn’t think anything could be like really being captured.
The thing that really astonished her that the girl doing the interrogation looked human. She couldn’t imagine how one human could do this to another. Shampoo had no problem with a revenge killing or two, but torture? It was unheard of in the 24th century.
“So,” Lita said after the door had closed. Her tone was much calmer than it was just a moment ago when she snapped on Brian. “How are you?”
“Shampoo. Commander. Serial number 2 Zulu 651 Lima 94.” She grunted through her teeth.
Lita laughs. “That’s all she seems to know how to say!”
“That’s all she’s trained to say.” Be’Yach glared at Shampoo. She reviewed the PADD that had the information about their prisoners. “This is taking too damned long. We’re going to end up being compromised with our proverbial pants down.”
“Commander,” Brian said, walking over to Shampoo. He squats slightly to bring himself eye-level with the detained Amazon. “I need you to tell me the technical information behind the multi-phasic shielding that the Federation has in place around their lunar Latium deposits.”
Shampoo opened her purple eyes for what seems like the first time since this started. There were tears pouring out of them. “That all you kidnap us for?”
Lita leans close to Be’Yach. “I wonder what’s wrong with the universal translator? Her syntax has been goofy since the beginning!”
Be’Yach just shrugs.
“That’s all. Once we have the information we will put your friends in an escape pod and let them go.” Brian replied, trying to put Shampoo at ease.
“What about Shampoo?” She asked.
“Well.” Lita smiled. “We can’t let you go till AFTER we get the Latium. After all, you know our plan now.”
Shampoo grimaced. It would all be over if she just gave up the information. It wouldn’t be a total betrayal of all she was sworn to protect. Just some lousy Latium.
She motioned with her head for Brian to come closer. “Shampoo tells only you.”
Brian moved up so that he would be the only one to hear Shampoo.
Shampoo inhaled deeply and then – “YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” She screamed at the top of her lungs right into Brian’s ear.
Brian just dropped like a sack of White Castle at a porn convention. Be’Yach ran to her lover’s side while Lita came up and backhanded Shampoo with the phaser rifle.
“Ow.” Brian groaned, returning to his feet. “Put her back in her cell and bring the engineer. She was already crying. She’ll give it up.”
Lita nods and motions for the guards to drag Shampoo out. They comply and Lita follows them out.
Be’Yach looks Brian over. “Are you okay honey?”
Brian looks at his girlfriend in total shock. “Did you just call me a gay dummy?”
Be’Yach laughs. “No, I asked if you were O-KAY HON-EY.”
Brian shakes some of the loose parts out of his head. “I’d be better if you’d stop calling me gay. Both of you.”
Elsewhere on the ship, the guards were dragging a still fighting Shampoo back to her cell. Even though she had been beaten and electrocuted she still had some fight in her. She had to. In most cases of capture, weakness meant death.
The guards lower the force shield and throw her in.
“Are you okay, Shampoo?” Akane asked, running over to check on her.
“Shampoo fine.” She murmured as she falls to the floor and passes out.
The guards point their guns at Serena. “Okay meatball head. You’re next.
Lita, who was standing outside the detention area, bolted in. The insult she heard could only be directed at one person. “Meatball – Serena?”
Raye and Serena glared at her. Serena resumed crying, but Raye ran to the edge of the cell. Only the guard’s rifles kept her from pouncing on Lita.
“Lita? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” Raye screamed.
Lita was no longer in her happy-go-lucky prisoner-torturing mood she was in before.
“I’m sorry. Not all of us fit in at Starfleet.” She looked to Serena who was cowering in the corner.
Serena couldn’t understand how someone she was so close to, someone who she had been a sailor scout with could have become a bad guy. She remembered when it had happened to Tuxedo Mask, but that was due to magical influence. Was Lita under some magical influence?
The look in Lita’s eyes was much different. She could tell that it was Lita. Just not the Lita she thought she knew. Serena just couldn’t figure it out. Sure, they had all pondered it. What it would be like to be a bad guy. What it would be like living by your rules and no one else’s. But none of them had the heart to do it. None of them were evil. Well, at least she didn’t think any of them were.
“Serena –“ Lita’s voice was breaking slightly. “I need to talk to you. Please, willingly, come with me.” Lita’s mind was starting to mess with her. She was starting to become overly emotional. Not something that happened a lot anymore. Except for anger. She was always plenty angry.
“NO!” Raye screamed. “If you wanna fuck with someone, fuck with me. I’ll make it a little more fun.”
Lita felt anger returning to her. “What’s your job, Raye?” Lita grabs a PADD from the counter. “Ship’s counselor?” Lita laughed at her own words. “What a joke. I don’t need a damned counselor. Not that you’d help me anyway. I need engineering information, and it seems by some strange twist in fate Serena is an engineer.”
“Well, you sure as hell won’t get any of that from that lame-brain,” Raye grumbled, chucking her thumb at Serena. “Either take me or kill me.”
Lita’s smile disappeared. She knew what she had to do. She drew her phaser and shot Raye. It didn’t feel right, but she knew she had to do it.
The blast hit Raye and sent her flying against the wall. She slid down the wall and to the ground. Serena and Akane both screamed. Akane went to Raye’s side.
“Grab her,” Lita ordered.
The guards grabbed Serena. One of them started to twist her arm. Upon the scream let out by Serena Lita fired her gun and shot that guard.
“I SAID GRAB HER NOT HURT HER!” Lita screamed.
The guards complied and drug Serena out.
“Oh, grab that too,” Lita said, pointing to the guard she shot.
Another lackey came in and drug him out. Lita raised the force shield and began to walk away.
“HEY!” Akane screamed. “WHAT ABOUT COMMANDER HINO?”
Lita, never stopping or looking back called back. “Don’t worry. She’s just stunned. She’ll be up in fifteen minutes or so. Oh, but she will be twice as grumpy.”
“Gee thanks,” Akane mumbled to herself.