Chapter 4 - Not All Pirates Have Parrots

Arr! Pirate Captian’s Log date –

The Pirate Captain, Captain Brian Treeman looks up from his recording device.

“Does anyone know what the date is?” Brain screams across the bridge of his Klingon Bird of Prey. The captain had picked it up at a surplus auction the Klingon’s had a year ago. He’s only started to use it recently because it took almost 8 months to get it to smell decently again.

Brian was a tall, skinny human. His uniform was white with gold trim. He never made his lackeys wear uniforms, but he thought they made him look spiffy. He also thought that his female officers looked good in them too, so they were required to wear them. Brian was usually a quiet person but was very loud when he wanted to be. He knew the most important thing was that he had the respect of his crew.


“Shut your cakehole.” A female voice called back. It was his XO, Commander Lita Kino. “Do you want the stardate or the real date?”

“I want a date, beautiful!” Brian grinned back

Brian’s grin was immediately met with a shoe to the mouth. The shoe still happened to be on Lita’s foot, so it made contact very hard. “You got a girl.” She grumbled.

“UmmmHmmm –“ Brian murmured. “The real date will work fine.”

“April 7th, 2388.”

“Thanks,” Brian replied. He spun in his chair and started his log entry again.

Captain’s Log – April 7th, 2388. Having dropped our taxes at the post office with 8 days to spare, we have decided to do some plundering.  What better place to do it than California V. A planet of pacifists. Hopefully, these hippies will have plenty of beer and money for us.

“Captain!” One of the no-name officers on the bridge yells.


“A Federation starship has just done a U-iey and is on an intercept course!”

“Uh oh.” Lita mumbles.

“No no no!” Brian hops up from his chair and walks over to Lita. “Uh oh was last month when we had that old Ferengi rat trap! We have a powerful ship now – and a cloaking device!”

“Oh yeah!” Lita grins. “Ensign! E-T-A of the ship.”

“Twenty-eight minutes.”

“Good. Get all the specs on the ship and tell the away team that they only have twenty minutes of plundering left.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Lita walks over to the view screen and looks down on the planet. Brian comes up behind her.

“You know –“ Brian starts. “We could get a lot done in twenty minutes.” Brian rubs Lita’s butt. Lita starts to laugh.

“Yes, we could.” She turns around and WHAM – sends Brian flying across the bridge. “But I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Brian remains on the ground and laughs. “Hahaha Federation! Try your best!”

“Sir –“ The no-name perks up.

“What?” Both Brian and Lita answer.

“It’s Gosnell class.”

“Uh oh.” Both Brian and Lita murmur.

“As soon as the away team is on board engage the cloak,” Lita ordered.

Brian managed to drag himself back up to his chair. “Tell them to hurry, but remind them that they will be shot out an airlock if they don’t bring me a lot of Captain Morgan.”

Lita didn’t care for the fact that he was an alcoholic, but he seemed to handle it okay. So for the most part she didn’t say anything.

“SIR!” The no-name screams this time.

“WHAT WHAT WHAT? Can’t you freakin’ tell me everything at once? Is that so damned hard?” Brian screamed back.

“I’m sorry. More dramatic this way! Regardless, there is a Kuno ship on an intercept course with the Federation ship!”

“Well that’s just swell,” Brian murmured.

Down on the planet, the capital city of Mountain Doo (no copyright infringement here) was being ransacked by the Captain’s chief ransacker, and current girlfriend, Be’Yach. Be’Yach was one-quarter Klingon, but she was a hottie. This is why the Captain made her the chief ransacker. Her looks often distract local police which allows the ransacking team to do its pillaging.

In the Federation Embassy, Soun Tendo is sitting in the corner along with Admiral Genma Saotome. Genma had decided to drop by to play some games with Soun in an attempt to avoid Ranma. However, he was starting to realize that this might not have been the best idea he has ever had. Not only was the colony being ransacked, but Ranma would also be there shortly.

While the two of them were riding out the attack, they decided to get a few games of Go in. As usual, Soun was beating the pants off of Genma.

“When is that ingrate son of mine going to get here?” Genma grumbled.

“The people working the communications device said that they should be here within fifteen minutes,” Soun replied. “Gotcha.”

Soun moved his piece and it drove Genma nuts.

“THIS IS NO TIME TO BE PLAYING GAMES!” Genma screams, knocking the board over.

“It’s never a good time when you are losing is it.” Soun glared.

“Now, now – “ Genma said, backing away from an angry Soun. “- Now is no time for fighting between friends.”

Soun stopped and thought about this for a second. “You’re right. We will settle this after the raid.”

Genma nodded when a large explosion broke up his nodding very close to the building.

“What the hell was that?” Genma yelled.

An ensign working in the embassy began checking screens. “It appears the pirate ship is firing plasma charges at us!”

They have never done anything that would actually kill anyone before.

Outside of the building, Be’Yach, who was sent head over heels from an explosion missing her and her group by less than 20 meters, is making an attempt to regain her senses. “What the hell?” She pulls her communicator out of her pocket and opens a channel.

“This is the MGD Mad Dog here.” Lita’s voice is heard over the comm line. In the background, you can hear red alert sirens blaring.

“This is Be’Yach! What the hell are you doing?”

“We and the planet are being attacked by the Kunos!”

“What about the Federation ship?”

“I don’t know! They changed directions.”


“Ryouga!” Ranma screamed.

“I don’t know what happened. I didn’t touch anything!”

Ranma started to pace again. They were lost. Lost in space. Ryouga was right though. He didn’t touch anything. It must just have been his aura. It caused the ship to start making course corrections. And now they were lost. At least the Kuno’s had stopped pursuing them. Unfortunately, they continued onto the planet that Soun was on.

“Captain!” Mousse screamed. “They are attacking the planet!”

Ranma growls. “Ryouga – get us there A-S-A-P!”

Ryouga nods. “I will.” He leans to Mina. “Can you do it?”


Be’Yach takes off running towards the Embassy. Five of her lackeys are trailing behind her. One of them stops.

“We can’t go in there!” He exclaims. “The Federation will arrest us!”  

Suddenly a plasma charge hits a nearby building, causing it to fall inches from the frightened lackey.

“Well, I guess being in a jail would be better than being out here, eh?” The lackey decides to run in behind his boss and fellow lackeys.

At the door, there are two Federation Police Officers standing. One moves to block the entrance to the door.

“I have to let you know that if you enter this building you will be arrested and severely beaten.” The officer says.

“Whatever!” Be’Yach yells. “Just let us the hell in!” The guard steps to the side. Be’Yach and the lackeys bolt through the door and down into the basement where Soun and Genma are. One of the officers that were in the basement sees them.

 “ADMIRAL! PIRATES!” He yells. Genma turns around and sees the pirates.

“Stay back! I’ll shoot you!” Genma screams. Soun leans forward and begins to whisper in his ear.

“Saotome – you don’t have a phaser.”

“So I don’t!” Genma replies. They both start to laugh hysterically. Be’Yach just looks at the others.

“Don’t worry – “ Be’Yach explains. “We don’t want to hurt you. Well, not anymore. We just want to hide here till the attack stops.”

Soun comes forward. “So, you aren’t responsible for the attack?”

Be’Yach shakes her head. “No. The Kunos are in orbit. They attacked our ship and it was forced to flee. Last I heard though there was a Gosnell class ship en route.”

“RANMA!!” Genma cheers. “He will come and rescue me!” Soun glares at him. “Us. I said us!”

“Sir?” One of the ensigns pipes up. “Shouldn’t we take them into custody?

“No!” Soun declares. “They have learned their lesson I am sure. Forgive and forget is the Anything Goes motto!”

“Huh?” Says everyone, except of course Genma.

“Thank you, Ambassador.” Be’Yach bows.

Several more explosions are heard in quick succession. Then they suddenly stop.

“Is it over?” Genma asks.

The Comm panel chirps to life. Mousse’s voice is heard. “Sisko to Embassy. Stand by – we are engaging the Kunos.”

The bridge of the Sisko was lit with only the dark blue lights that set the mood when there was a battle, the red flashing alert lights, and the light coming from the crew’s consoles. Ranma was sitting in his chair, legs crossed. He loved battle. Exploration didn’t really suit him. He was in it for the fight.

Shampoo was standing behind Mousse. Normally this would put Mousse into a coma, but during battles, he seemed very intense and into it.

Ryouga was sitting very still, mostly because if he moved much it would send a shooting pain through his ass. He wasn’t quite sure that Akane had gotten all the glass out, but he really didn’t want to go back to sickbay for another session of pluck the butt.

Mina was ready for anything. She had her panel set up so that she could take over anyone’s console and do their job. She needed to be ready for that for the simple fact that the slightest hit could make someone’s panel explode. Except hers. They made the science officer’s console out of material that wouldn’t explode. Why they didn’t do that with all the other ones was beyond her, but that wasn’t important right now. What was important is that she stayed focused.

“Mousse,” Ranma said, standing up. “Open a channel to the Kuno ship.”

“Aye, sir.” The Comm beeped and Principal Kuno appeared on the viewscreen.

“Aloha!” The principal said.

“Principal Kuno. What are you doing here?”

“Why destroying the planet!”

Ranma hated this guy and his cockiness. His whole damn family was like this. Nothing worse than cockiness. “You won’t destroy them. We will destroy you first. We are better than you and you know it!”

“Oh – we see about that pig-tailed boy!”

The screen clicked back to the external view. The Kuno ship swung around and came towards them.

“Fire quantum torpedoes!” Ranma yelled.

The Sisko shot out a round of blue torpedoes from the front of the ship. They all directly hit the Kuno ship.


“Oh, they got dem mean weapons!” The principal screamed, dodging the steam that was shooting out of the wall. The principal was in no way ready for that kind of impact. They had only dealt with the Federation when they had photon torpedoes.

Tatewaki comes screaming down the hallway. “ON GUARD FATHER! HOW DARE YOU FIRE UPON AKANE TENDO!” The principal just rolled his eyes.

“In case you being blind, they be the ones firing on us!”

Tatewaki looks at all the damaged parts hanging off the walls. He turns to his father and reattaches his bokken to his belt. “Fair enough father. It seems the cretinous Saotome has defiled the great cube of Kuno. We shall smite the!” Kuno begins to cackle and presses some buttons.

Multiple torpedoes fire out of the Kuno ship and create a fierce glowing when they come in contact with the shields of the Sisko.


The impact sends everyone sailing. Most people take it in stride. Except for Ryouga. He slides right out of his chair and onto the ground. Landing on his butt.

“OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!” Ryouga screams. He taps his communicator. “Hibiki to transporter room! One to beam directly to sickbay!” The familiar sounds are heard and Ryouga vanishes.


Shampoo vaults over the tactical console and sits in Ryouga’s seat. She begins to bring the ship about and into a defensive position.

“She’s wonderful!” Mousse cheers. Shampoo just turns and gives him her patented glare.

“Mousse – Full volley of quantum torpedoes, followed by two volleys of photon torpedoes! Aim to kill.” Ranma ordered, sitting back into his chair.

“Bwa haha! Aye, sir!” Mousse said. Even though they fought a lot, Mousse had learned to respect Ranma in battle. He made a good enemy, but an even better ally.

From the front of the ship, the spread of quantum torpedoes shot out at an incredible rate. The explosion that they caused was even more incredible. Then the photon torpedoes followed. About 10 of them. All impacting where the quantum torpedoes did. It turned the Kuno cube into what more resembled a triangle.


Principal Kuno’s many years in space had taught him a valuable lesson. You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run. This was the time for the latter. The principal turned the ship around and shot out of there at warp 9.99. Kodachi comes running up to her father.

“DADDY! Turn around! We need to rescue my darling Ranma from Akane Tendo!” She whined. The principal just glared at her.

“You’re nuts. We ain’t going back there till will make some repairs and adjustment!” He explained.

Kodachi began to pout and then finally bounded away in a flurry of black rose pedals. The principal just groaned, put his head in his hands, and began to cry. “Why me?!”


“Wow!” Mina gasped. “Look at all the debris!”

Everyone just stared at the viewscreen. The part of the Kuno ship that they had blown off was just floating there. In many, many pieces.

“Shampoo never see Kuno defeated so fast!” Shampoo said as she got up from the help station. “Mousse! Stand down from red alert!”

“Aye aye buttercup!” Mousse obliged.

Ranma just sat in his chair lost in thought. He didn’t even acknowledge Shampoo vaulting over him to attack Mousse. He couldn’t quite figure out why the Kuno’s were so easy to beat. Could it actually be that Starfleet developed a useful weapon?

“Captain?” Mina called.

Ranma was still lost in thought and didn’t notice her. Until he was shaken to his senses by a plasma charge, that is.

“WHAT THE –“ He screamed. He looked to the view screen. Shampoo climbed off of Mousse and looked up. What appeared to be a Klingon Bird-of-Prey was sitting right in front of them.

“Klingons?” Shampoo mumbled.

Mina began to shake her head. “I don’t read any Klingon life signs on the ship. Just human.”

That’s odd. Thought Ranma. What kind of humans would be on a Bird-of-Prey?

“PIRATES!” Ryouga screamed, hobbling off the turbolift.

“Welcome back,” Ranma grumbled.

“No time for that now!” Ryouga panted, running down to his station. “Them are pirates!”

“Shit! Shields up then!” Ranma screamed. It was too late though. Another shot was fired at the ship. The shot rocked the ship hard. One of the aft panels exploded and the lights went out. A familiar sound was heard, then the pirate ship recloaked.

There was some murmuring, and then some of the lights came back on. Ranma peeled himself off the floor and back into his seat. “Arrgh. Mousse, status report.”


“Okay! Bridge to sickbay! Report!”

A male’s voice is heard. “Lots of injuries, but so far none serious!”

“Understood. But where is Akane?”

“Dr. Tendo –“ This caused Ranma to groan. “- is not here! She disappeared after the lights went out!”

“What?” Ranma looked behind him. “Shampoo check for –“ Ranma suddenly realized that Shampoo wasn’t back there. He looked around the bridge. Mina, Ryouga, Mousse, a couple of extras – no Shampoo.

“Mousse! Check for missing –“ Ranma was cut off by Mousse’s bawling.


“Okay then, Mina – run a check for missing crew members,” Ranma said, standing up and looking at Mina’s panel. After a few blips, the display showed that there were four crewmembers missing.

“Mina, do a roll call. I want everyone accounted for.” Mina nodded her acknowledgment. A few moments her display changed to just four names.

“The missing crew members are Commander Akane Tendo, Commander Shampoo –“ Mina paused for a few seconds and then continued to read the list. “Lt. Commander Serena Tskino and Lt. Commander Raye Hino.”

Ranma put his hand on Mina’s shoulder to comfort her. “Run a scan for bodies outside of the breeches.”

Mina nods and runs the scan. “None.” She runs another scan real quick. “I did think I heard a familiar sound and – yes I am right! There is a transporter trace right over there behind Mousse! Where Shampoo was standing.”

“THE PIRATES STOLE MY BEAUTIFUL LOVE SLAVE SHAMPOO?!” Mousse screams. He begins punching buttons on his panel but it blacks out on him. “That’s odd.”

Suddenly Ranma’s chair explodes. Everyone dodges the debris, but the subsequent fire sets off the sprinklers. Soon the cold fire putting out water douses everyone.

RC can just stand there. “Why me.”

Mousse flies up onto his console. “QUACK!”

Ryouga just sits in his seat. “BWEEEEEEEEEE!”


Mina can only gasp, and reach for the steak knife that she stashed under her panel.